The bEsT oF mY s2pidiTy

2 weeks have been gone so fast
and routinary work has just been ended
it seems that yesterday was just today
discussing the stuffs as if no ending
still inclined to the task i have since then
liking it over and over again
its a new episode
different from the past
but why the hell it gone so fast
still want to stay
but have to turn and go
funny feeling i have right now
is not the ordinary thing i felt b4
its more than an extraordinary thing
that you want to look from the past  (c’ )

Illusions never stops, as it passed by the wind
It stucks like a tattoe and the scars still remains…

never had imagine the pain it caused by
false pretension never comes out right and there’s nothing to do, but admit it..admit the fact that you am nothing.

it hurts once, but why you’re still on it?
asking myself, but dont know why?

One sided love, is not that easy
pretending your fine, but not okay…
why pursuing it, when you know in the end that you’ll eventually lost it.
hurting yourself, isn’t torturing?

it never ends…it never ends…
but only time will tell so
dont wanna give up, but what the sense of it?
what the sense if you’re the only one hoping for it…

im on my own illusions again, loving me back, as i love you again.

it never stops…it never stops…
and keep on asking, when will it end?

i wanna go back to the time when you’re jsut nothing to me…
when you’re just an ordinary guy, who just nodded his head everytime you passed by
i wanna go back to the time when there’s no feelings to hide…
i really can’t imagine, why the hell i felt that stupid feeling in you!
can’t blame myself, but feel so sorry about it…

i took the chance even though i know that theres no point because in the end ill still be left with a brokern heart.

can’t barely recall the first time i felt this way..
i fell for you…hard and so deep…
yes, i admit the fact that i sudden lost my mind, and
eventually fell in love with you…*sigh*

i never though it could go this far. i thought it was
just a funny feeling, but definitely its not.
i was fascinated with your looks…and why the hell im falling for you?

i never had this feeling again; for almost 2 yrs?
i want to stop this stupidity, but it ended up missing you….
yes, im missing you so badly now, that i can’t
even concentrate with my usual routine…*sigh*
i wanna see you…i wanna text you…i wanna talk to you in my
messenger…

but i knew it…i perfectly knew it.. T______________T

short conversation, flatters me more…making me fall for you even more…
thinking i might dsappoint you…cant describe reli wat i felt…all i know i hav hard tym

sleeping dat night…just thinkin of you…

i admit ur so ruthless…hurting me this way…
but dats all i could do…i never have the courage to stay away from u…
for 2 months, my life freezes…evolving only on you…you…and only you….

after all, am so sucker for romantic stories…
i guess that wen i started falling for u…i reli tot wer destined…
bringing more "kiligs" to me…i started txting u…and i just cant stop it.

But, why is it, that when you came my way, i was too shy to show off….
and so shy to give just a simple glimpse on you. always pretending not to see you.
pretending that i hear nothing..but the thought of it, makes me think…and think…and think….

sometimes, im trying not to talk to you,
but i just caught myself talking as if it was the first time….
sometimes, im trying myself not to reply on your private messages
but everytime you PMed, i can’t explain the joy i felt inside.

but i never gave up, i continue loving you
expecting u will soon realize dat u love me too
what a stupid illusion, isn’t?
but it never happen.
instead, i lived myself into an illusions between you and me.

im waiting for you…………..GOSHHHH…………

im waiting for nothing! and realized how foolish i am…
never giving up! still cling on u
even if i have to accept the fact
that i will never have you inside…
and you will never ever give your hart

i always cry…but still yielding on…
because i thought i could not stand losing u…
all my friends become worried now…
but i always cover my ears…pretending to be deaf…you really got me blind…

unfolding the mystery how it started, you PMed me so unexpectedly.
i still remember, its mid-october, when we started talking…
i could still feel the shock i felt when u first talk to me..
can’t really imagine it, for so long we’re in the same crowd,
that’s the only time you have talked to me? though we never got to talk that much…
we still end up chatting…since then, we communicate often…txting…..funny at start…but not when it begun to complicate….

AND not when it begun to complicate…. x_____________x

AND not when it begun to complicate…. x_____________x

What will you say if I tell you to stay
How will you look in my eyes
Why do I feel that this love is for real
Tell me, please don’t just stand there still

Pre-Chorus:

Seeing you walking out that door
Closing all the chances of making it
Leaving our love behind
Stopping the time from flying
Still you are in my mind

Chorus:

I just couldn’t let you go
Can’t get you off my mind
Holding my heart in your hand
Oh I badly need you so
Just couldn’t let you go

Don’t go away
I’d rather have you here
Please stay
What will you do if I tell you I love you
How will you hold my hand
Why do you have to turn and walk away
Please don’t leave me like this

(Pre-Chorus)

Bridge:

Look into my eyes
I’ll show you what’s inside
My feelings I wont hide
Stay with me and hold my hand
Make me understand
That you’re not meant for me
Why can’t you see through me
I need you next to me

(Chorus)

*****

this song was originally composed by my closed friend wayback in highschool…demmit, this is so cool..thanx to Sarah Arceo…^^ and i want to dedicate this song to him (kahit wla xang friendster…sana mabasa nya post koh)

yes, i admit the fact that i sudden lost my mind, and
eventually fell in love with him…*sigh*
i never though it could go this far. i thought it was
just a funny feeling, but defintely its not.
i was fascinated with his looks…and why the hell im falling for him?
i never had this feeling again. For almost 2 years? im
constantly thinking of him, dreaming of him…OMG…
i want to stop this stupidity, but it ended up missing
him….yes, im missing him so badly now, that i can’t
even concentrate with my usual routine…*sigh* i wanna
see him…i wanna text him…i wanna talk to him in my
messenger…

im waiting for him…………..GOSHHHH…………im
waiting for nothing! but i knew it..i perfectly knew
it.. T______________T

sometimes, i trying not to talk to him, but i just caught myself talking as if it was the first time….sometimes, im trying myself not to reply on his private messages, but everytime he sent me messages, i can’t explain the joy i felt inside.

oras - 9:12pm
klima- maulan dahil sa bagyong egay

Gabe na, lakad-takbong tinatahak ni mariposa ang masukal na daan pauwi sa kanyang inuupahang bahay. hindi niya lubos-napansin ang mga nagagandahang babaeng naghahalakhakan sa tabi ng daan. pati na mga rugby boys, ay di rin niya alintala. ang nasa isip niya ng gabing yun, ay ang makauwi agad. hindi siya sanay magdala ng payong, kaya madalas ay naaambunan siya at nauuwi sa sakit ng ulo at sipon.

Huminto siya sa pinto ng kanyang tinitirahan, inilabas ang maliit na susi at mabilis nyang tinulak ang pinto paloob ng bahay. Kinapa nya ang switch ng ilaw at binuksan ito. 

binuhat niya paakyat ang mabibigat na katawang pinagod ng buong maghapon na trabaho. napabuntong hininga siya. sa wakas, makakapagpahinga na naman siya. Umupo siya sa gilid ng kanyang higaan at tinignan niya ang kulay kahel na orasan na nakabitin sa kaliwang dingding ng kanyang maliit na kwarto. eksaktong alas onse at bente tres ng gabe…ngbilang siya….

alas dose
ala una
alas dos
alas tres
alas kwatro
alas singko
alas sais

pitong oras rin pala ang tulog ni mariposa. tumayo siya at kumuha ng damit pantulog. medyo may kalamigan ang ihip ng hangin, kaya pumili siya ng makapal-kapal na pajama, at isang manipis at lumang sando na pang-itaas. dali-dali niyang tinungo ang banyo, at nghilamos…malamig ang bawat patak ng tubig sa gripo, sa sobrang nginig, ngmadali siya at nagbihis. umakyat sa knyang maliit na kwarto…tinungo nya ang salamin na nakabitin sa bandang kaliwa ng knyang kabinet. nagsuklay siya. maya maya pa ay napaupo na siya sa kanyang higaang medyo may kalambutan…. "masarap matulog, kapag malamig" aniya…..at muli pa ay, napabuntong hininga siya…sumandal siya sa dingding, kung saan nakadikit ang kanyang higaan. dinama nya ang hanging nanggagaling sa bintana, na kahit may nakalagay na kurtina, ay damang-dama pa rin ang lamig na nagmumula sa labas…

pero di pa siya makatulog; may kung anong sumagi sa kanyang isipan ng mapatingin siya sa lumang kalendaryong nakasabit katabi ng kanyang kwadradong salamin…seryoso nyang tinitigan ang kalendaryo..

"kross..kross..wala..kross..wala..wala..wala..wala..kross..wala.."

napangiti siya ng nakita niya ang numero "kinse"…

"kross..wala..wala..kross..wala..wala..wala..wala..kross……"

natigilan siya…..

hanggang kelan ba siya ganito? bakit kailangang mangyare ang mga bagay-bagay sa mundo? lahat ba may dahilan? o ang lahat-lahat ay puro ilusyon lamang?

nagiisip siya…tila nawala ang antok, na kanina pa niya nararamdaman habang lulan ng dyip pauwi sa kanyang tinitirahan. iniisip niya ang mga ngyare sa kanya. ngunit wala siyang maalala. pero ang totoo, pinipilit niyang kalimutan ang lahat…pero, parang tila mahirap…napapikit siya, at sabay ang pagpatak ng luha sa kanyang pisngi.

muling umihip ang hangin…at sa pagihip nito, sabay nman ang pagpahid sa kanyang mga luha…sinabi nya minsan sa sarili, na di na muling iiyak…pero, eto napaluha na naman sya.

hindi naman niya sinasadya ang lahat…hindi rin niya sinasadyang gamitin ang kalendaryo…pero and di niya lubos akalain, na mangyayari ang lahat ng di nya inaasahan….mapaglaro pala ang tadhana….madalas siyang humiling, pero sa pagkakataong ito, mali pala ang hiniling niya.

hindi na maibabalik ang lahat….ang lahat ay pawang alaala nalamang sa kanyang murang isipan…Natahimik siya……sa loob ng maliit niyang kwarto, bumabalik lahat ng alaala niya. pinipilit niyang makapiglas sa nakaraan, pero lalo lang sumasakit ang ulo niya, kasabay nito ay ang kirot na nararamdaman nya sa puso niya. kung eto lang siguro ang ginawa nya, ndi na aabot sa ganito…siguro ganito…siguro ganyan…pero wala na…sa talino nyang angkin, nauwi lang sa wala ang lahat.

pero iba na ang buhay niya ngayon, mas tahimik…walang istorbo…walang problema. hindi na niya kailangan magpaalam pagaalis siya. nakakauwi na siya sa oras na gusto nya. malaya siya…malaya siya sa lahat…pero hindi pala sapat ang mga yun….may kulang….at sa pagbabago ng buhay niya, nakalimutan niya na rin palang magmahal.

beyond my darkness side, i wanna turn back to the life i have once before…being so rude, my apology…but in my own, i live it to my principle…so much for this and so much for that…but, nothing is the best for my own sake…yesterday is another day to left behind…nothing to compare to my present day…

this blog is intended primarily to extend my gratitude to those who lifted me high, to my friends who believed in me…and to those who’s not there but real…dunno how to start, but i know somehow you feel, how grateful i am to have someone like you..someone who can understand my ups and downs, someone i can turn to when im feeling down..

this blog is also intended to those who DUMPED me….there are 4 actually to enumerate them….but taking revenge is not on my mind now…coz’ i know that vengeance is not enough to repay all the things that smash up my whole existence. im still thinking of the best way to figure it out, but i found no answer in my thoughts…you FOUR, damn you!. u r not insensitive enough not to feel guilty bout it…its a mistake on ur own….and its a lesson learned from everyone…but among you FOUR, this one really sucks, not to mention her name, but really, she’s a bitch..a great bitch i’ve never known before…i know ur reading my blog, sobrang kapal ng mukha mo para i-add ako sa friendster mo..for what? for u to keep updated? okei lets be friends (duh?!)…actually, this section is for you…for you to know how much sting u thrust in me; for crossing my threshold…ur such a brave person and i admired u for that…but beware, im not yet through with you…one of the greatest saying i ever have is, "masama nagtatanim ng sama ng loob sa kapwa", which actually came from my ex…but my apology, i can’t take it now…not until i get even to them..Next, two out of them four were already got their karma…in fact, they are just the same and this is the only advise i want them to take: BE FAIR, DONT EVER CHEAT AGAIN…hahaha….alam niyo naman na wala na kayong mapupuntahan, kapal pa ng mukha niyong manloko…tsk…makonsenya kayo habang buhay…hindi kayo tatantanan nyan…hahahahahah….too bad, but you have to take it!!! and the last one, hahaha…..i dont have any updates from him…..but i know you two guys are together again….it started all from you, fuck shit you?!, ang di ko lang maintindihan sayo, u have the courage to fool your GF pero….haaaay ewan, magsama kayong 3…

haaaaaaaay..im so sorry guys, pero d2 ko lang nailalabas lahat ng sentiments ko..T______________________T…thanx for ur time reading my nonsense blogs…

you are the reason
why im feelin this way
you are the inspiration
that makes me feel to stay

can’t help myself
to stare at you
over and over
i like to do

im so helpless
dont know what to do
to think of you
when im in blue

a short talk
a short glimpse
being with you
is all just a dream

i wonder why
i feel this way
thinkin of you
all night and day

the moments
i have with you
i treasured
‘coz all is true

but time goes so fast
all i can do is adjust
but somethin remains in me
saying, "i have to wait and see"

but, reality is just a dream again
….all i have to do
is to stare at you again.

-private13-a

"I NEED AN EMOTHERAPIST TO CURE THIS MALIGNANT SEVERE ACUTE EMOCHOLOGICAL STRESS THAT CAN PRODUCE MENTAL ILLNESS AND HEART TENSION IF NOT TREATED PROPERLY…"

as i look back at my past, can’t hardly imagine that im already bound to this kind of hell-damned life..can’t explain the emotions that lingering in my mind now..happy? maybe… lucky? maybe…but, what’s keep on taunting me is the reality that i………………………………………i can never be back again to the life i had once before..there’s a lot of changes now… and this is the big difference… my entire life’s sudden change in just one click. im such a jinx, maybe… my whole life…my work, my wealth, my health…

Knowing and experiencing too much has been everybody’s mistake…and im one of them…And leaving this kind of a mess, is not that easy…i moved forward and there i found another life…i tried to sense it…feel it…but then, i feel so unsure about it…it takes time to realize things that makes me feel fine…

/swt..so tired now, thinkin bout how life was….ilovehim….so much…but i cant stand it… i cant even think a better way for myself..aww…it strikes me again. the same old stupid feeling, i once have before…though its over, but not again!…sometimes, it’s really best to be alone..no more hurtings, no more heartaches..but, then realization always there to remind that pains do really exists..eventhough how hard you deny it, the  more it shows and hurts you..

*sigh*

im so fuckin’ shit tired of being this and that… no one seems to understand my ups and downs…im just hoping that this year be a different year…

someone told me……but they dont even understand……

bagong salta ako dito..medyo malaking pagbabago, pero ayos na rin..iba’t-ibang mukha ang nakakasalamuha; iba’t-ibang landas din ang tinatahak..nung una mahirap makisama, pero natutunan ko rin makibagay sa kanila..unti-unting nabuo sa aking pagkatao dito..madame akong natutunan at madame rin silang natutunan sa akin..masaya ang pakiramdam ng ganito..lahat nagkakasundo, lahat nagkakaisa. 2 taon halos ganito ang sistema namin. para kaming isang punong hitik na hitik sa bunga; malago at mabunga..sagana sa dilig, sagana sa liwanag.

*** inspired by gin_bulag***
http://forums.mukamo.com/index.php?showtopic=9459

nasa parke tayo, kung saan madalas tayo magpunta……isang araw na naman pala ang nagdaan, ang bilis ng araw. kahapon lang di pa kita kilala, pero ngaun, eto magkasama tayo at nagkkwentuhan.

ilang taon na rin ba ang lumipas, mula ng huli tayong nagkita? may konteng tampuhan pa bago tuluyang mawala ang komunikasyon natin. sobrang labo nun e, pero di ko na inisip pa. ni wala akong balita sayo, kahit ikaw wala rin alam tungkol sa akin, sa mga nangyare sa akin.

pero, may kung anong tadhana ang dumating at pinagtagpo ulit tayo. tamang-tama dumating ka sa oras kung sann kailangan ko ng makakausap. sa trahedyang dumating, di ko akalain na ako’y makakabangon ulit.

nagkausap tayo muli at halos sayo ko nailabas lahat ng problema ko, kahit papaano gumaan ng konte ang mga problema ko. ewan ko ba kung bakit, pero magaan ang loob ko sayo…at ewan ko rin ba kung bakit nasasaktan ako ng ganito. ang dame mong kwento, madami rin naman akong kwento. pero bakit, ni hindi ko masabi sayo ang bumabagabag sa akin..hindi ko rin alam, bakit sumasama ang loob ko sayo, gayong wala naman sapat na dahilan para maramdaman ko to.

pagabi na ng umuwi tayo, haaay…"ayoko pa sana umuwi", yan ang gusto ko sambitin sayo ng nasa LRT na tayo. pero natahimik nalang ako habang dinadama ko ang bisig mong nakadikit sa bisig ko. pero hindi na kita kinausap pa. Ang bilis ng oras pagkasama kita, pagwala ka nman, matagal bago magkita ulit…bakit tila may nagbago sa akin? bakit paggabi matagal ako makatulog? bakit pag off ko, gusto ko pumasok agad? bakit ganun? tanong ko sa sarili ko? ang dame kong tanong, wala namang sumasagot.

umaandar ang araw, madalang ka ng magparamdam. nalulungkot ako, pero di mo nararamdaman. nahihirapan, pero di mo napapansin. sa mga araw na di ka nagpaparamdam, sinubukan kong hanapin ang kasagutan sa mga katanungan ko. sana hindi nalang ako napalapit sayo, kung mararadaman ko lang ito. sana hindi nalang kita nakilala kung puro sakit lang ang madarama. Sa tagal nating magkasama, di ko man lang napansin lahat ng ito..

umaandar ang araw, madalang ka ng magparamdam. nagaalala na ako kung na’san ka, kung ano problema, kung bakit, ay hindi ko alam ang dahilan. ilang araw ang lumipas, mula sa pagkayamot, ay napangiti ako ng biglang may bumati sa akin..at ikaw pala yun..kinamusta mo ako at siyempre matitiis ko bang hindi ka kumustahin…natuwa ako sa muli nating paguusap..pero tumigil ang lahat, ng sinabi mong may sasabihin ka sa akin……sandaling tumigil ang tiktak ng orasan. pati paghinga ko, tila tumigil. napabuntong hininga ako ng matagal
…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..parang alam ko na ang sasabihin niya……………..ayoko na sanang malaman kung ano man yun……..gusto kong umiwas sa mga sandaling yun…………………..pero hindi ako nagawa…………..

at yun na nga, nalaman ko na ang dapat kong malaman…………may nililigawan na pala siya……………..aaminin ko, nasaktan ako, nang hindi ko alam ang dahilan………at yun na pala ang dahilan ng hindi niya pagpapakita sa akin……………….may kirot akong naramdaman, pero binalewala ko lang ito…..di man ako nakapagsalita agad, pero nakaya ko naman ituloy ang mga natitirang minuto ko sayo……….unti-unti kong ibinalik ang aking normal na paghinga…..nahirapan ako, pero sandali lang yun……..alas diyes y media na ng gabe, nagpaalam ka na, at kailangan ko na ring umuwi……..sa paguwi ko, naghahanap pa rin ako ng mga kasagutan sa isip ko………………………………………………………

at ngayon alam ko na ang dahilan ng lahat ng ito: mahal na pala kita… T_T